December 3, 2001

LITTLE BOYS WITH BIG BLADES

Dear Friends and Subscribers,

"Wanna see what’s under my raincoat?" Arte Johnson’s dirty old man used to leer more comically than threateningly at Ruth Buzzie’s mousy old woman on Laugh In many years ago. A few well-aimed lobs at his head with her purse always set him straight, and the park was safe for another day.

This weekend I observed the 21st century version of "Wanna see what’s under my raincoat" as puffed up little boys masquerading as men asked me, "Wanna see what’s in my briefcase?" I traveled to a conference in New Orleans this weekend, and during those four days, no less than three men showed me the knives that they had "accidentally" smuggled on board. These weren’t little key chain pocket knives, mind you; they were large blades more than 4 inches long, one a hefty folded hunting knife, one an ornate letter opener, and the third a wicked looking razor weapon that resembled brass knuckles. Each of the men claimed to have "forgotten" they had these weapons with them, but when I recommended that they pack them in their checked luggage for the return flight, each of them mused, "I wonder how long it will take for security to find this?" It was apparent to me that these men did not accidentally forget what they were carrying. These were grown men reverting back to the days of "You can’t make me!!" in response to heightened airport security.

And d’you know what? They’re right. We can’t make them. If there is only one lesson to be learned from the events of September 11, it is that terrorists, and even pranksters, will find a way to bypass all security measures. The enemy is armed, he is dangerous, he is clever, and he is patient. He can make a weapon out of disposable razors and a toothbrush. While guards pounce on nail clippers and tweezers and "randomly select" passengers for full searches (get this--they tell you in advance if you are going to be searched, so you have time to dump the contraband or pass it to a cohort--doesn’t that make you feel protected?) others are marching through with full-sized blades, or at the very least, with plans.

If three of the hundred or so men I talked with this weekend (two of them complete strangers) admitted--no, bragged!--that they are carrying knives on board, one has to wonder how many others are also carrying potential weapons? Perhaps they are doing so for altruistic reasons--perhaps they want to be prepared to save the day when the next terrorist attack begins, and I’ll be delighted that one of them is on board the plane with me when it happens. The men I talked with all seemed to be intelligent, reasonable, stable human beings who wouldn’t flip out in mid-air. I have to admit that every time I fly now, I look around at the other passengers, I notice when people get up to use the bathroom or talk to a flight attendant, and I take stock of my own makeshift weapons. I’m ready to kick with my high-heeled boots or bang someone over the head with my camera bag. Ruth Buzzie has become my role model.

But heroism aside, who knows? In its zeal to make us feel safer, the FAA may actually be increasing the number of kooks who are carrying blades on board, simply because they want to prove they can. Like the college computer nerds who hack into corporate and government computers just to show that it can be done, we may be creating a whole new brand of terrorist, pranksters who want their 15 minutes of fame, who want to say, "You can’t make me!"

The point is, I don’t think these men would be bragging about what they are carrying if the FAA wasn’t putting us through such a degrading process in order to give us this false sense of security. I was selected three times for the random searches this weekend, had to stand with my arms and legs outstretched while men rubbed their wands up and down my body, instinctively averting my eyes to avoid making eye contact as though I had done something shameful. By the third search I was simmering with outrage at this largely worthless show of force, particularly after my seatmate told me about his 7-inch steel letter opener resting inside the briefcase between us.

So why didn’t I turn him in? Why didn’t I call the flight attendant and say, "This man is armed! He has a letter opener!"? Here was my thinking: If he’s a terrorist, and I press the call button, I’m the first to go. If he’s not a terrorist, there’s nothing to fear. So I engaged him in conversation for the remainder of the flight, and held onto my purse, ready to swing if he reached for the briefcase. Ruth Buzzie would have been proud.

Is this what we want? A nation of vigilantes, always on the alert, only half informed, ready to tackle the poor fool running to the bathroom with diarrhea? I don’t think so.

Yes, we need to take measures to prevent another terrorist attack, but the current method is not working. It is simply driving more people to drive. Stepping up our intelligence gathering, sealing the cockpits, checking identification, x-raying baggage, locking the overhead bins during flight, and judiciously using "probable cause" to determine which passengers should be screened more carefully will allow passengers to return to the "friendly skies" we once enjoyed while maintaining true security and our self-respect.

-- Jo Ann Skousen

email: jaskousen@mskousen.com

Return to the Index of Jo Ann's Odds & Trends articles:
Return to Index of Articles