July 17, 2001

TRENDS IN WEDDINGS

Dear Friends and Subscribers,

While touring in Tokyo last month, I noticed several department stories and specialty shops displaying lacy white wedding dresses in the windows. Our guide explained that fancy western style weddings are the trend in Japan now, with the average wedding costing over $50,000 (about 2 ½ times the average annual salary). I was particularly interested because we had just married our middle daughter two weeks before, at about one tenth that cost. Yes, the trend for weddings in America has also been ratcheting upward, with many brides choosing exotic locations where wedding guests are expected to vacation with the bride and groom. Most ceremonies today focus more on pomp than on circumstance, and they can cost as much as a small house.

But our daughter Lesley has never enjoyed showy ostentation. She wanted a wedding that would be relaxed, personal, and intimate enough for good conversation. She wanted a simple dress that she could wear again, and a ceremony at home where she has many good memories. The two families would be meeting each other for the first time, so she wanted to make sure we had time to get acquainted without the distraction of a long receiving line. And she didn't want a professional caterer or photographer or DJ running the show; she wanted Mom's home cooking and Uncle Jamey's snapshots. In other words, she didn't want us to spend a lot of money, she wanted us to spend a lot of love.

This wedding was indeed a gift of love, from start to finish, with every family member contributing a talent. Lesley and Nathan designed and produced their announcements. Our daughter Valerie volunteered to do all the flowers, from decorating the stairs, tables, and arbor to arranging floral vases and building bouquets and corsages. Valerie's husband, James, served as dj, contacting members of both families ahead of time so that every song he played would be someone's favorite. Our son Tim is a filmmaker, so of course he was our videographer. Mark's brother Jamey shared his talent as a photographer. I prepared a meal of chicken divan, chopped salad, fresh fruit, and asparagus, which was served by Hayley's best friends and Todd's girlfriend, and supervised by my best friend, Judy Squillante. My housekeeper's husband, a youth minister at their church, performed the ceremony, which was written by Nathan and Lesley. Both mothers spoke at the ceremony (Nathan's mom read from Ephesians, and I gave a talk on love, commitment, and partnership throughout life). Lesley sang a song that she wrote for Nathan, accompanying herself on the guitar. Younger siblings Todd and Hayley took Lesley shopping for makeup (a natural beauty, she doesn't usually wear any) to keep her busy while the rest of us worked. And Mark was the mover and shaker: he moved the furniture, and filled the salt shakers!

The relaxed atmosphere of a backyard picnic was the perfect venue for the two families to meet and get to know each other on the evening before the wedding. Lesley brought out a baseball and a couple of mitts to play catch with her groom, Nathan, and before long everyone was participating in "Skousen Baseball," a family tradition in which no one ever knows who's on which team, no one keeps score, and the only thing that matters is that everyone gets a turn to bat and run across homeplate. Both of Nathan's parents joined in, and everyone was laughing and clapping by the time the steaks were served. (I took my turns at bat while preparing the meal!)

After the rehearsal we played a version of The Newlywed Game with questions that invited stories and anecdotes that also helped us get better acquainted. Then, after everyone left, we quickly began moving furniture out of the living room and family room to transform the house into a wedding chapel/reception hall. Valerie and I were up again at dawn and we worked straight through until wedding time, but it was a wonderful, joyous morning, filled with creativity and bursting with love.

The wedding cerremony was beautifully simple, and simply beautiful, a tribute to the love Nathan and Lesley have for each other, and the love their family and friends have for them. As I watched Mark escort our beautiful daughter down our circular staircase (reflected in a mirror I had adjusted specifically for the seat where I would be standing!) I reflected on how grateful I am to be a mother. I couldn't stop smiling through the entire ceremony.

Did everything go as planned? Of course not. We forgot to buy Lesley's gloves, the boys forgot to decorate the car, the ceremony started about half an hour late, and the air conditioner wasn't working properly.

Did that matter? Of course not! As I told Lesley earlier that week, nothing ever goes "wrong" at a wedding, but things usually go differently than planned. That's part of the charm.

Would I do it this way again? Of course--if that's the way Hayley wants her wedding. But luckily for me, Hayley is into big, catered affairs!

-- Jo Ann Skousen

email: jaskousen@mskousen.com

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